Whispers of the Wind

The wind has been so strong lately.
I can hear it right now outside my window.
Running into the wind is often an incredibly irritating bundle of miles.
My high school coach use to tell me to cut through the wind. 
I was never quite sure what that meant, but it worked. 
Sort of.
It seems like no matter how much I push through the wind during a run, it's hard.
I feel like I'm getting nowhere as I run a slow pace and feel like stopping.
It feels like a fight. 
And as I push through  it with all I have, 
I feel like the wind, this thing of nature that I can't control,
is winning the fight...

Life has been so demanding lately.

I can feel it in my back, the way it carries stress.

Becoming worn thin from curveballs life throws can be an immensely defeating experience. 

I've always been told to pray about stuff. And to always get up when I fall down.

I don't always feel like doing those things, but they tend to work.

Kind of.

But it seems like no matter how many times I pray or get back up after falling, life is hard.

It feels like I'm stuck in a cage being told how to live my life. 

It feels like a fight.

And as I push through it with all I have,

I feel like my circumstances, the ones I can't control,

are winning the fight... 

I like running in squares. 

Or triangles.

Not straight lines. 

I was at the park running one day. 

It was crazy windy.

I was so annoyed and frustrated for the first 3 miles. 

Every time I hit the 800 meter stretch of wind, I felt like I was running into an invisible brick wall. 

The wind made me want to stop running.

And that's a rare thing.

After those first 3 miles I decided I needed a new mindset to get through the next 4 miles.

It was then that I remembered why I run.

Running is where I find God.

It's where I have my Jesus time.

It's not just the place where I feel free to talk to Him.

It's the place where I can actually hear Him talk to me.

Which is one of the hardest things for me listen for.

It's when I invite Him to run each step with me that I am able to truly listen for His voice.

I picture Him right beside me, setting our pace.

Especially during those runs against the wind.

The wind.

As I began to run in step with my Creator, 

I started to realize why the wind is so important.

It makes me a stronger runner.

As I continued to run in step with my Creator, 

I began to realize why crap in life is important.

It makes me a stronger person.

I prefer running in squares and triangles because they allow

 me to catch the wind at all of its angles.

I never knew that my love for this "shape running" 

if you will would teach me about life.

I'm gonna stop blabbing and actually get to my point now.

Life & running are like squares or triangles.

There are times when the wind is at our backs.

There are times when life is easy.

There are times when the wind is at our sides, 

pushing us to the side, but not enabling us.

There are times when life has it's stuff, 

but it doesn't waver us much.

And there are times when we run against the wind,

struggling with all we

 have in us to get to the corner that will put the wind at our side.

There are times when the mess of life is just too much, 

coming at us full force with expectations that we fear we'll never meet 

and all we want is for this phase of life to make

 a turn for the better.

I've got one run to run. 

One life to live.

I'm always gonna have windy runs in life.

But there are always corners that I turn with that put the wind at my side.

Even after it's been in my face for a long time.

I have to keep running.

Even when I feel like stopping.

That corner will come.

I have to keep running.

It's hard.

So hard.

And too easy to feel like stopping.

But I must keep running.

Because when I run into the wind,

I become a stronger runner.

The wind whispers virtues.

Embrace the run against it.

  

These Free Places

The trails. The lakes. The courses. The track. Places of paces. Endless dripping sweat. Cutting through the wind half the time. Beeps sounding from watches glued to the wrists of dedicated souls fighting to be something...do something...learn something. Places of pain and heavy breathing. Places where encouragement flies in every direction and seeps into the racing heart. Where lungs are trained to work hard more than daily, where legs are trained to burn and push through it, where minds are trained to finish and finish strong no matter what it takes. Where hearts fall in love with these realities.

The trails. The lakes. The courses. The track. Places where I watch Jesus run hard to show me how it's done. Places where I can fully breathe and know that I am safe. Where lessons are found around each tree, each hill, each lap, with each step. Hard work, fierce determination, and God's grace are learned here. And Jesus' suffering. The wind speaks to me as I push through it's resistance. Lessons of life with each mental push. 

The trails. The lakes. The courses. The track. Where God and I talk without hesitance. Where I am free. Free to run with my Creator. Free to worship Him. Free of my fears. Free of yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Free to give all I've got. Free to pour myself out for Him. Free of worries and hopes. Free of pain and mistakes. Completely free to run.

The trails. The lakes. The courses. The track. Places of rest. Places to think...to wonder...to dream...to explore. Quietness is accepted and rain is invited. Where minds clear, frustrations calm down, and doubts don't matter. Where allowing God to carry me isn't easy, but for some reason, so much more possible for me to allow. Places where God is able to take my flooded thoughts and make sense of them. Where I become vulnerable enough to allow Jesus to change me. Where it's quiet enough for me to truly listen to His still, small Voice. 

The trails. The lakes. The courses. The track. These are the places I want to be. These are the places I want to cherish. These are the places I want to stay. These are the places where I find Christ.


The heavens tell of the glory of God. 
The skies display his marvelous craftsmanship.
Day after day they continue to speak;
night after night they make him known.
They speak without a sound or a word;
their voice is silent in the skies;
yet their message has gone out to all the earth, 
and their words to all the world.

The sun lives in the heavens where God placed it. 
It bursts forth like a radiant bridegroom after his wedding. 
It rejoices like a great athlete eager to run the race. 

Psalm 19:1-4

Scattered Thoughts. Silent Realizations.

Waking up at 7:30 to the sound of kids giggling, dishes clanking, and adult voices talking.

Trekking through the warm, white sand.

Feeling the cool, blue ocean splash onto my legs.

Jumping the waves with Keeli.

Diving into the waves with my brave Aven.
Listening to Keeli read me my Jesus Calling devo in the morning.
Experiencing Aven's soft, giving heart with every smiley fruit snack.

Raw conversations with the adults.

Constantly observing each life being lived in my presence.

Unceasing conversation with Jesus about... this life.

Questions.

Worries.

Fears.

Thankfulness.

Realizations.

Unconditional love.

Learning who I am and who I want to be.

Learning who God IS and who He'll always be. 

                                                             [Destin, FL. May 2012]

[Tulsa, OK. June 2011]

I remember it so clearly. 

Cord was with me that day. I couldn't have asked for a better friend that summer. 

My hands were shaking as I handed the guy $8 to enter the Tulsa Zoo. I was nervous, excited, heartbroken, and trying to trust God all at the same time. I had no expectations, simply because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I rounded the corner to see Keeli sitting in a wagon. The first time I'd seen her in a month. Her new mom and grandma were standing beside the wagon. I walked slowly, understanding the significance of how I lived the next three hours of my life. Determined to be myself. Focused on keeping an open mind.  

The moment Keeli saw Cord and I, she jumped out of the wagon and into my arms. Her hug was tight and I smiled as I held onto her for dear life. I didn't want to let go, but then remembered that Cord deserved a hug even ten times more than I did. Keeli wrapped her arms around Cord's neck and I was reminded of the security he had been for her as the man of the household in which she resided for two years of her young life. 

I wondered where Aven was.

I needed my Aven.

My heart ached to see Aven.

After a long two minutes, Aven walked out of the restroom with his grandpa.

He saw me.

"Jennie!!!!!!!"

He started running full speed toward me.
"Aven!!!!!!!"

I started running toward him.

He jumped up into my arms and squeezed my neck.

And he didn't let go.

His grip only tightened.

In fact, mine did too. I wasn't about to let go of him.

His words were the sweetest..."I missed you, Jennie. I missed you a lot! Are you gonna stay with us all day here at the zoo? I don't want you to go again. I missed you."

I don't know how I kept it together. "I missed you so much, Aven! And yes, I'm going to stay with you all day at the zoo! Don't worry, I'll stay right here."

After a long hug, Aven saw Cord, let go of my neck, and then hugged Cord just as tight and told him he missed him. 

As I watched Aven hold onto Cord for dear life, I realized again, the security Cord provided for them.

Then I suddenly realized the security I, too, had provided for them during their two years in foster care. Aven had never hugged me as tight as he did that day. 

It was late in June and the first time I saw the kids after they had been adopted. Aven and I had been talking on the phone a week earlier and he invited me to the Tulsa Zoo without even bothering to ask his new parents. I remember being happily surprised when Alicia agreed to my attendance at the zoo day. I saw this as the first step in staying in their lives forever so I held onto this opportunity as if my life depended on it. I realize now that it did.

Since that awkward, life-giving day at the zoo a year ago, beautiful days have happened. I've driven to their home three times. Their entire family visited my family for a day during Christmas break. My mom and I went to the court date that made the adoption official. I just returned from vacation in Florida with the kids and their family.

Keeli & me at the bowling alley during my first visit to their home. One of the happiest days ever. 

Cord & Aven in during our first visit to their house. Playing in the backyard. :)

The kids at my house during Christmas break. (Plus my cool brother.)

Anymore though, it's not "the kids and their family."

It's more like, "my second family."

While we were in Florida, the kids and I were talking. Akeeli asked me when she met me. I told her. She said she didn't really remember and that she thought she had known me forever.

Then Aven said, "I never met you Jennie!"

I asked him, "Aven, how long have you known me?"

His response, "Forever."

Then I realized something else. 

I am the one person in their lives who they will know forever. God has made me the one constant person for these two beautiful kids. I don't know why. But I am honored to be the one they'll know forever. I'll be the one they go to when they have questions about their lives before they were adopted.

It seems that each time I'm with them, God shows me another reason I ever came in contact with Aven and Akeeli. 

Each time I'm with them, God shows me why he placed me at TLC Daycare for over two years of my life. 

Each time I'm with them, God reminds me who He is and of His power to restore our lives when they're broken, cracked, burned, or scratched. 

They don't hold on to my neck as tight when they see me now. 

They know and I know that we'll see each other again soon.

After our Florida vacation, I stayed the night at their house. 

I left early the next morning, so I woke Keeli up to say goodbye to her. 

She opened her eyes, smiled up at me the sweetest smile in the world, and reached her arms up toward me.

As I hugged her, she said, "Love you."

I told her I would see her in a month or so. 

She smiled and nodded and kissed me on the cheek. 

No fear.

No worry.

Peace that only comes from my Rock and my Redeemer. 

Assurance that only comes from the King of Kings. 

As I left Aven and Keeli that day and every time I am with them in the future, I know that I will see them again. I know that they will always be my kids. I know that we will always be a part of each other's lives. We will forever be family.  God arranged it that way. For a reason. For more than one reason.

I love you Aven and Keeli. Bigger than the ocean...bigger than the Earth...bigger than the universe. <3

My second family. Aren't we cute? :)

One day. Not my day. HIS day.

Undeniable love for our Jesus. First.
Undeniable love for each other. Second.


Obvious obedience to God.
That He'll lead us, together, to whatever He has in mind.
Every day.
Every moment.
Every decision.
Every move.


Undoubting joy, not only on our faces, but in our lives.
The moments we are together.
The moments we are apart.
Ravishing joys.


Enveloping love.
For each other.
For our families.
For our friends.
For kids.
For older folks.
For those we don't know.
For those we don't like.
For those who don't like us.
For the poor.
For the rich.
Unconditional love.


Fireproof commitment.
It's not going to be broken.
During the best times.
During the hardest times.
During the times in between.
No matter what the circumstances.


Profound peace.
With God.
With each other.
With others.
With circumstances.


Tenacious adoration.
For each other.
The way we look.
The way we talk.
The way we play
The way we laugh.
The way we are. Together. Apart.


Poise and gracefulness.
In our stage presence.
In our words.
In the way we treat ourselves, each other and others.
In our choice of dress.
In our choice of song.
On this day. On every day.


Genuine promises.
Eye contact.
Smiles.
Communication.
Gentleness.
Selflessness.
Butterflies.
Enamored.
Divine romance.


Not my day. Not his day. But HIS day. HIS way. For HIS glory. 

Love Beyond Me

Meanwhile, Jesus was in Bethany at the home of Simon a man who had leprosy. During supper, a woman came in with a beautiful jar of expensive perfume. She broke the seal and poured the perfume over his head. Some of those at the table were indignant.  "Why was this expensive perfume wasted? they asked. She could have sold it for a small fortune and give the money to the poor!"  And they scolded her harshly.


But Jesus replied, "Leave her alone. Why berate her for doing such a good thing to me?"




If human love does not carry a man beyond himself, it is not love. If love is always discreet, always wise, always sensible and calculating, never carried beyond itself, it is not love at all. It may be affection, it may be warmth of feeling, but it has not the true nature of love in it.

Have I ever been carried away to do something for God not because it was my duty, nor because there was anything in it all beyond the fact that I love Him? Have I ever realized that I can bring to God things which are of value to Him, or am I mooning round the magnitude of His Redemption whilst there are any number of things I might be doing? Not Divine, colossal things which could be recorded as marvelous, but ordinary, simple human things which will give evidence to God that I am abandoned to Him? Have I ever produced in the heart of the Lord Jesus what Mary of Bethany produced?


There are times when it seems as if God watches to see if we will give Him the abandoned tokens of how genuinely we do love Him. Abandon to God is of more value than personal holiness. Personal holiness focuses the eye on our own whiteness; we are greatly concerned about the way we walk and talk and look, fearful lest we offend Him. Perfect love casts out all that when once we are abandoned to God. We have to get rid of this notion--"Am I of any use?" and make up our minds that we are not, and we may be near the truth. It is never a question of being of use, but of being of value to God Himself. When we are abandoned to God, He works through us all the time. 


-MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST
February 21st

How HE Loves

he is jealous for me loves like a hurricane I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy when all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realized just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me and oh, how he loves us, oh oh how he loves us how he loves us all and he is jealous for me loves like a hurricane I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy when all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me yeah he loves us oh how he loves us oh, how he loves us oh, how he loves and we are his portion and he is our prize drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes if his grace is an ocean we're all sinkin' and heaven meets Earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way he loves us, oh how he loves us all yeah he loves us oh how he loves us oh how he loves us oh how he loves yeah he loves us yeah he loves us oh how he loves us all

Light Up The Sky to show me...

A little over a year ago, I was driving out to the country to my favorite foster home to pick up my two favorite foster kids for church.  Our journey together had been long, daily, tiring, and nurturing.


I was a wreck. For them. A few days before, their biological mom had given up her rights. Given up her rights. I didn't get it. We thought she would at least fight for them. But she didn't. She gave up. It was something I couldn't wrap my mind around. You don't have two beautiful children and just give up on them. But she did. 


When I arrived at the foster home, I walked in the door. She ran to me and gave me a hug. He did too. But then he started climbing on the stair rail and she started whining as foster mom struggled to get their coats on. Another baby started crying. A kid got out of the gate. 


We were all tired. Tired of trying to calm him down. Tired of teaching him how to behave and feeling unsuccessful every time. Tired of dealing with her fits. Tired of seeing her heart break after every visit with her mom. Tired of seeing their tears. Tired of explaining things that couldn't be understood. Tired of crying. Tired of praying. Tired of watching these two innocent hearts break into pieces. Tired of watching them long for something more. 


I got them situated in the car. As soon as I started driving, he kicked my seat over and over again. I told him to stop. Of course he didn't. But I was too tired to fight with him. I just wanted to love them silently that day. 


Church was usually rough. She wouldn't go to children's church. She preferred the nursery with him. For some reason, this Sunday, I went to children's church with her. She had cried before we went in. We snuck in the back and took our seats.


So many thoughts were racing through my mind. 
What's gonna happen to them?
Will we get to keep them?
What is it like to wonder where you'll be the next day?
What is it like to not have a family?
What is it like to be [called] a foster kid?
What is it like to not know who to trust?


As we sat there, these thoughts consumed my mind. 


She started crying again. Quietly. My eyes started swelling with tears. I tried to keep them in. I put my arm around her. She started crying more. Still quietly. Then she got up and sat on my lap. I held her. 


[There was a really nice lady sitting in the back with us.]


The lady leading children's church was a bit stressed, and suddenly she said to my girl, "Hey, get off her lap! You don't need to be laying all over some teen!"  She ment well. And she didn't know nor understand what we were going through mentally or emotionally. 


She lost it with the tears.


I lost it with the tears.


I stood up, looked at the nice lady sitting in the back with us, asked her to watch my girl for me, and I darted out of there, nearly slamming the door behind me. I ran down the hall and out the door. 
The air outside was cold. I didn't care. I leaned against a pole and sobbed for what seemed like forever. I kept saying, "God, my heart is breaking for these kids. Where is the hope here? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to help them? I feel helpless, God. Save those kids. Do something! You're not doing anything. I'm so tired, God. I'm so weary."


I let the tears run down my face without wiping them off. I just kept crying. Suddenly, the clouds broke and the sun came out. It shone so brightly I couldn't see for a few seconds. And the song, Light Up The Sky by The Afters popped into my head, the words bold and true and they became my prayer...


"You light light light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that You are with me.
I I I can't deny, 
I can't deny that You are right here with me. 
You open my eyes
so that I can see You all around me.
You light light light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that You are with me."


God opened those clouds and showed me the sun at that moment to remind me that those two kids are His. That I am His. It was like He was saying, "I'm right here. Trust me."


After these thoughts, I smiled through my tears. My heart was still broken. I was still tired. But from that moment on, I knew that my kids would be okay. 


Now, over a year later they knocked on my door.  They waited so patiently for me to answer it.  I was greeted with gentle, endearing hugs.  I heard "Yes ma'am" and "no sir" numerous times. I heard "thank you" and "please." 


But best of all, I saw joy on their faces and in their lives. She sang for me, painted my nails, played with my doll, smiled for pictures, told me stories, and we giggled together about everything. 
He hugged me numerous times randomly, told hilarious stories that didn't make any sense, showed respect for everyone around him, and played with marbles in the most content way I've ever seen. 
We got inside a big box that was our hide out. We stuffed it with pillows and blankets and got all cozy. It was our cave, our secret place.


When they left, it wasn't "Goodbye." 
When they left, it was "I love you! See you soon!"


That day of exhaustion. That day when God lit up the sky to remind me that He knew what He was doing, was a day that foreshadowed today. 


These two beautiful babies have two new parents who love them more than anything. They have two parents who have given them stability, structure, security, unconditional love, assurance, and joy. Those things are exactly what they needed. And God knew that.


 Looking back at that day at church and then looking at today brings happy tears to my eyes. I had no idea on that day that I would have the honor of staying in their lives. But that's what God was saying that day...


"Trust Me. I am with you. I am with them. I am for you. I am for them. I've got this. You'll see! Just trust Me."


You light up the sky to show me that You are with me.