Cracks of Beauty in my Heart

As I lie here in bed, a tear trickles down my cheek as I remember moments with my kids. 
Sometimes, they seem to be the only thing I feel.
Sometimes I am numb to everything else around me.
But never to them. 
I am never numb to my A & A.


I remember the time they were spending the weekend at my house.  I couldn't get home until late, so they were asleep on my living room floor when I got there. I grabbed a blanket and got comfy on the couch beside my sweet little Aven who was asleep on the floor. I reached down and held his soft, 3 year old hand. After a few moments of starring down at Aven and Keeli in the darkness, I got off the couch and knelt down and kissed each of them on their head and whispered, "I love you with all my heart Akeeli Renae." "I love you with all my heart Aven Everett Lee." And I meant those words more sincerely than I ever had. Over the months prior to these moments these kids had become my own. They had become my life, my passion, my dream. I remember staying awake for a while that night praying for each of them. I couldn't wait until morning when they would awaken.


Before I opened my eyes the next morning, I heard some chatter. Then suddenly, Aven jumped on me and yelled, "Jennie!" right into my sleepy face. I would have to say that is one of my all time favorite moments ever. He hugged my neck so tightly I thought I was going to make the headlines in the paper the next day for being the first person to ever die from suffocation from a hug! Akeeli jumped on me too and I was holding my two favorite people in the entire world.


 My pride and my joy.


Sometimes I wonder about their real mom, you know? 
Does she think about them often?
When she does think of them, what does she feel?
I feel broken for her.
It was enough for them to be taken away from me.
What in the world is it like for her?
Does she miss Aven's arms around her neck?
Does she miss Akeeli's endless questions and stories?
I do.


There was one day when I went to daycare just to be with Aven. I was there for Keeli too, but she was preoccupied with her friends at daycare and Aven had had a bad day at school.
It just so happened the daycare needed an extra worker to be present in order to have the legal amount of workers. So I said I'd be there. For some background, I didn't actually work at the daycare anymore. I was just in town to see my kids. My sole purpose of being there was to be with them. 
I walked outside and Aven ran up to me and jumped into my arms as usual, but he was not his cheerful self. 
I just sat down in a chair and held him. I wouldn't hold any other kid.
I just held my Aven.
That was all I needed.
And that was all he needed, too.


Keeli use to tell me that I looked like her mom. I thought that meant that her mom probably had blonde hair or something. I had no idea that her mom was only a year older than me. There were probably three or four instances when Keeli would just sit in my lap and cry because she missed her mom. I don't think I understood their situation at that time. It was too early on, before adoption was even a real possibility. But I remember there were a couple times, as I held Keeli in my arms, that I tried to put myself in her shoes. 
What would life be like if I never got to see my mom?
What would life be like going with strangers all the time?


That's the life of a foster kid. 


Kids are told not to talk to or get in a car with strangers.


But foster kids do these on a weekly basis.


The more I think about it, the more I realize how much Aven & Keeli changed me. 


I hated kids before I started work at that daycare.


Yes, God changed me through all of this.
But He used so many scarred children to make this change in me.


He started with Amanda's foster brothers when we were in 4th or 5th grade. Their names were Jason and Michael. Just like Aven & Keeli, they would run up to me and say, "Jennie!" I didn't understand very much about foster care then, but I remember the day I had to say goodbye to them was hard. I almost cried and I'd only known them for about three months. 


Then there was Joe. Bubba. He taught me more than I can ever express. And he still teaches me. He showed me what life outside of my safe bubble was like. That was my first glimpse into the dangers and realities of the world in which I live.


Next is (Ra)Shawnda. She was two years old when she befriended me at the daycare on my very first day of work. Her first words to me were, "Wassur name?" And then..."Come play at my house!" 
She instantly became my favorite, even though I was afraid to admit that I liked any kid at that daycare. Shawnda and I stayed close for a long time. If I saw her today, we'd still joke around like old times. 


Next was Aiden. I loved Aiden like he was mine. I wanted him to be mine. I was definitely a young dreamer. I was determined to get to the bottom of his family situation and I was so sure I'd get his daddy into church for good. I prayed so hard for Aiden. God answered that prayer. Aiden is doing good now. His dad never came back to church after that one time, but I have hope for him. God's faithful. Always. I think through Aiden, God caused my compassion to grow for kids in rough situations. 


Korey was next. Oh, my sweet Korey. He had and still has such a sweet heart. He'd been through it though...in and out of rehab with his mom and his younger siblings. Many other things were factored in there too. I remember the day I said goodbye to Korey for the first time, not knowing that I would see him again. Korey ended up being in my mom's kindergarden class and his foster family ended up being my boyfriend's family. They later adopted Korey and his two siblings. I'm so grateful for that.


Another one is Dalliz. He was about two years old and had major anger issues. My goal was to make him happy. He was only with us for a summer. But Dalliz and I had a cool relationship by the end of it. His situation was pretty rough too. He wasn't a foster kid, but his dad was one rough guy, angry himself. He went back and forth between his parents all the time, not knowing what to think of anything. He was such a cutie and such a challenge. He helped me with my patience.


Then Aven and Akeeli happened and they completely rocked my world. I could go on and on. And I will.
But this piece is long enough already. I'll go and on another time.


There was no initial point to this post, other than the fact that I needed to write my thoughts down. I suppose I hope that sharing my thoughts will somehow help you in yours. 


"The Lord is righteous in everything he does;
he is filled with kindness.
The Lord is close to all who call on him, yes
to all who call on him sincerely.
He fulfilles the desire of those who fear him; 
he hears their cries for help and rescues them.
The Lord protects those who love him,
but he destroys the wicked." 
Psalm 145:17-20