Light Up The Sky to show me...

A little over a year ago, I was driving out to the country to my favorite foster home to pick up my two favorite foster kids for church.  Our journey together had been long, daily, tiring, and nurturing.


I was a wreck. For them. A few days before, their biological mom had given up her rights. Given up her rights. I didn't get it. We thought she would at least fight for them. But she didn't. She gave up. It was something I couldn't wrap my mind around. You don't have two beautiful children and just give up on them. But she did. 


When I arrived at the foster home, I walked in the door. She ran to me and gave me a hug. He did too. But then he started climbing on the stair rail and she started whining as foster mom struggled to get their coats on. Another baby started crying. A kid got out of the gate. 


We were all tired. Tired of trying to calm him down. Tired of teaching him how to behave and feeling unsuccessful every time. Tired of dealing with her fits. Tired of seeing her heart break after every visit with her mom. Tired of seeing their tears. Tired of explaining things that couldn't be understood. Tired of crying. Tired of praying. Tired of watching these two innocent hearts break into pieces. Tired of watching them long for something more. 


I got them situated in the car. As soon as I started driving, he kicked my seat over and over again. I told him to stop. Of course he didn't. But I was too tired to fight with him. I just wanted to love them silently that day. 


Church was usually rough. She wouldn't go to children's church. She preferred the nursery with him. For some reason, this Sunday, I went to children's church with her. She had cried before we went in. We snuck in the back and took our seats.


So many thoughts were racing through my mind. 
What's gonna happen to them?
Will we get to keep them?
What is it like to wonder where you'll be the next day?
What is it like to not have a family?
What is it like to be [called] a foster kid?
What is it like to not know who to trust?


As we sat there, these thoughts consumed my mind. 


She started crying again. Quietly. My eyes started swelling with tears. I tried to keep them in. I put my arm around her. She started crying more. Still quietly. Then she got up and sat on my lap. I held her. 


[There was a really nice lady sitting in the back with us.]


The lady leading children's church was a bit stressed, and suddenly she said to my girl, "Hey, get off her lap! You don't need to be laying all over some teen!"  She ment well. And she didn't know nor understand what we were going through mentally or emotionally. 


She lost it with the tears.


I lost it with the tears.


I stood up, looked at the nice lady sitting in the back with us, asked her to watch my girl for me, and I darted out of there, nearly slamming the door behind me. I ran down the hall and out the door. 
The air outside was cold. I didn't care. I leaned against a pole and sobbed for what seemed like forever. I kept saying, "God, my heart is breaking for these kids. Where is the hope here? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to help them? I feel helpless, God. Save those kids. Do something! You're not doing anything. I'm so tired, God. I'm so weary."


I let the tears run down my face without wiping them off. I just kept crying. Suddenly, the clouds broke and the sun came out. It shone so brightly I couldn't see for a few seconds. And the song, Light Up The Sky by The Afters popped into my head, the words bold and true and they became my prayer...


"You light light light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that You are with me.
I I I can't deny, 
I can't deny that You are right here with me. 
You open my eyes
so that I can see You all around me.
You light light light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that You are with me."


God opened those clouds and showed me the sun at that moment to remind me that those two kids are His. That I am His. It was like He was saying, "I'm right here. Trust me."


After these thoughts, I smiled through my tears. My heart was still broken. I was still tired. But from that moment on, I knew that my kids would be okay. 


Now, over a year later they knocked on my door.  They waited so patiently for me to answer it.  I was greeted with gentle, endearing hugs.  I heard "Yes ma'am" and "no sir" numerous times. I heard "thank you" and "please." 


But best of all, I saw joy on their faces and in their lives. She sang for me, painted my nails, played with my doll, smiled for pictures, told me stories, and we giggled together about everything. 
He hugged me numerous times randomly, told hilarious stories that didn't make any sense, showed respect for everyone around him, and played with marbles in the most content way I've ever seen. 
We got inside a big box that was our hide out. We stuffed it with pillows and blankets and got all cozy. It was our cave, our secret place.


When they left, it wasn't "Goodbye." 
When they left, it was "I love you! See you soon!"


That day of exhaustion. That day when God lit up the sky to remind me that He knew what He was doing, was a day that foreshadowed today. 


These two beautiful babies have two new parents who love them more than anything. They have two parents who have given them stability, structure, security, unconditional love, assurance, and joy. Those things are exactly what they needed. And God knew that.


 Looking back at that day at church and then looking at today brings happy tears to my eyes. I had no idea on that day that I would have the honor of staying in their lives. But that's what God was saying that day...


"Trust Me. I am with you. I am with them. I am for you. I am for them. I've got this. You'll see! Just trust Me."


You light up the sky to show me that You are with me.