Cracks of Beauty in my Heart

As I lie here in bed, a tear trickles down my cheek as I remember moments with my kids. 
Sometimes, they seem to be the only thing I feel.
Sometimes I am numb to everything else around me.
But never to them. 
I am never numb to my A & A.


I remember the time they were spending the weekend at my house.  I couldn't get home until late, so they were asleep on my living room floor when I got there. I grabbed a blanket and got comfy on the couch beside my sweet little Aven who was asleep on the floor. I reached down and held his soft, 3 year old hand. After a few moments of starring down at Aven and Keeli in the darkness, I got off the couch and knelt down and kissed each of them on their head and whispered, "I love you with all my heart Akeeli Renae." "I love you with all my heart Aven Everett Lee." And I meant those words more sincerely than I ever had. Over the months prior to these moments these kids had become my own. They had become my life, my passion, my dream. I remember staying awake for a while that night praying for each of them. I couldn't wait until morning when they would awaken.


Before I opened my eyes the next morning, I heard some chatter. Then suddenly, Aven jumped on me and yelled, "Jennie!" right into my sleepy face. I would have to say that is one of my all time favorite moments ever. He hugged my neck so tightly I thought I was going to make the headlines in the paper the next day for being the first person to ever die from suffocation from a hug! Akeeli jumped on me too and I was holding my two favorite people in the entire world.


 My pride and my joy.


Sometimes I wonder about their real mom, you know? 
Does she think about them often?
When she does think of them, what does she feel?
I feel broken for her.
It was enough for them to be taken away from me.
What in the world is it like for her?
Does she miss Aven's arms around her neck?
Does she miss Akeeli's endless questions and stories?
I do.


There was one day when I went to daycare just to be with Aven. I was there for Keeli too, but she was preoccupied with her friends at daycare and Aven had had a bad day at school.
It just so happened the daycare needed an extra worker to be present in order to have the legal amount of workers. So I said I'd be there. For some background, I didn't actually work at the daycare anymore. I was just in town to see my kids. My sole purpose of being there was to be with them. 
I walked outside and Aven ran up to me and jumped into my arms as usual, but he was not his cheerful self. 
I just sat down in a chair and held him. I wouldn't hold any other kid.
I just held my Aven.
That was all I needed.
And that was all he needed, too.


Keeli use to tell me that I looked like her mom. I thought that meant that her mom probably had blonde hair or something. I had no idea that her mom was only a year older than me. There were probably three or four instances when Keeli would just sit in my lap and cry because she missed her mom. I don't think I understood their situation at that time. It was too early on, before adoption was even a real possibility. But I remember there were a couple times, as I held Keeli in my arms, that I tried to put myself in her shoes. 
What would life be like if I never got to see my mom?
What would life be like going with strangers all the time?


That's the life of a foster kid. 


Kids are told not to talk to or get in a car with strangers.


But foster kids do these on a weekly basis.


The more I think about it, the more I realize how much Aven & Keeli changed me. 


I hated kids before I started work at that daycare.


Yes, God changed me through all of this.
But He used so many scarred children to make this change in me.


He started with Amanda's foster brothers when we were in 4th or 5th grade. Their names were Jason and Michael. Just like Aven & Keeli, they would run up to me and say, "Jennie!" I didn't understand very much about foster care then, but I remember the day I had to say goodbye to them was hard. I almost cried and I'd only known them for about three months. 


Then there was Joe. Bubba. He taught me more than I can ever express. And he still teaches me. He showed me what life outside of my safe bubble was like. That was my first glimpse into the dangers and realities of the world in which I live.


Next is (Ra)Shawnda. She was two years old when she befriended me at the daycare on my very first day of work. Her first words to me were, "Wassur name?" And then..."Come play at my house!" 
She instantly became my favorite, even though I was afraid to admit that I liked any kid at that daycare. Shawnda and I stayed close for a long time. If I saw her today, we'd still joke around like old times. 


Next was Aiden. I loved Aiden like he was mine. I wanted him to be mine. I was definitely a young dreamer. I was determined to get to the bottom of his family situation and I was so sure I'd get his daddy into church for good. I prayed so hard for Aiden. God answered that prayer. Aiden is doing good now. His dad never came back to church after that one time, but I have hope for him. God's faithful. Always. I think through Aiden, God caused my compassion to grow for kids in rough situations. 


Korey was next. Oh, my sweet Korey. He had and still has such a sweet heart. He'd been through it though...in and out of rehab with his mom and his younger siblings. Many other things were factored in there too. I remember the day I said goodbye to Korey for the first time, not knowing that I would see him again. Korey ended up being in my mom's kindergarden class and his foster family ended up being my boyfriend's family. They later adopted Korey and his two siblings. I'm so grateful for that.


Another one is Dalliz. He was about two years old and had major anger issues. My goal was to make him happy. He was only with us for a summer. But Dalliz and I had a cool relationship by the end of it. His situation was pretty rough too. He wasn't a foster kid, but his dad was one rough guy, angry himself. He went back and forth between his parents all the time, not knowing what to think of anything. He was such a cutie and such a challenge. He helped me with my patience.


Then Aven and Akeeli happened and they completely rocked my world. I could go on and on. And I will.
But this piece is long enough already. I'll go and on another time.


There was no initial point to this post, other than the fact that I needed to write my thoughts down. I suppose I hope that sharing my thoughts will somehow help you in yours. 


"The Lord is righteous in everything he does;
he is filled with kindness.
The Lord is close to all who call on him, yes
to all who call on him sincerely.
He fulfilles the desire of those who fear him; 
he hears their cries for help and rescues them.
The Lord protects those who love him,
but he destroys the wicked." 
Psalm 145:17-20

Views of Today

Broken people are what I see.

Broken people, including me.

People on the outside who stay too quiet.

People on the inside who are a chaotic riot.

Broken people who feel alone.

Broken people hid behind their phone.

People who are not close to family.

People who have given up trying to see.

Broken people with a crazy past.

Broken people who wear a mask.

People who have failed for the millionth time.

People who have given up on life’s mountain climb.

People who do forgive, but live in fear.

People who are too numb to let out just one tear.

People who want to extravagantly love others,

But are too afraid to open their heart’s shutters.

Broken people who are insecure,

who in certain places live life unsure.

Broken people who just run away.

Broken people who only say they're okay.

People who use others without even thinking, 

People who allow themselves to constantly be sinking.

Broken people who can't accept change.

Broken people who can't stand for things to stay the same.

Broken people who drop to their knees.

Broken people who say, "Lord, please!"

People who want to be made whole.

People who think of this as a goal.

Broken people who yearn for grace.

Broken people who strive to finish the race.

People who repent to the Father,

knowing that to Him, it isn't a bother.

Broken people who rejoice in the Lord,

because the price He paid, we could never afford.

Broken people who are thankful today, 

for the price Jesus paid, we don't have to repay.

Torn

"Yes. I am full of myself. After all- I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way and act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary."


"But I need something more! For I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help. I realize that I don't have what it takes . I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decision such as they are do not result my actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of my every time." 


"It happens so readily that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of my joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge." 


"I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?"


"The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."


Romans 7:15-25 The Message

Words Unfinished...

I long to long to write and inspire again. There is this innate necessity requiring rawness to be present. The question at hand is asking how to integrate such rawness with this inspiration I so desire. My struggle remains in the determination of what is truly real. Nothing less is aspired. My experiences of the past year have met eye to eye with rasping reality. The inspiration that once drove me became a bunch of words with dwindled belief. Beauty use to be a connotation related to so many things of life, but slowly faded unknowingly to the word, "why?" 


I am told that words are just labels of concepts. We cannot touch words. Forgiveness and grace are labels of these undeniably life-giving concepts that have the power to change everything. But when numbness takes over due to plots of evil and corrupted character, knowing that these concepts are real is equivalent to disbelieving that the Tooth Fairy exists after we've lost all our teeth and we lose that mind of a kid that doesn't doubt. But now, during the numbness of such raw stuff, we believe that the God we trusted to forgive us and love us unconditionally doesn't really exist. Just like we believed the Tooth Fairy would leave us a gift in exchange for our teeth, God give us forgiveness in exchange for our repentance. Growing up is not an option when it comes to faith....when it comes to believing in God and His realness. Children are what we must stay, tucked under the arm of God's raging love and realness. 

And I'm Reminded...

How many a man has thrown up his hands when a little more time, a little more effort would have achieved success?
The process of struggle develops your character, strength, and your mind. 
Customer Service is not a department. It's an attitude. 
If you want to know the true character of a person, then watch how they treat people who can do nothing for them- or better yet, watch how they treat their enemies. That will show you their true character.
If your faith isn't changing you, it hasn't saved you. 
If God is anything, then He must be everything. And unless He is everything, He is nothing. 
Dying to self means that you turn the other cheek when someone attacks you and that you do all you can to live in peace, even if it means getting the raw end of the deal. 
You get what you're looking for.
If you keep doing what you've done, you'll keep getting what you've got. Is that good enough?
It is doubtful that God can use anyone greatly until He has hurt him deeply.
"I don't like to think of you as needing to have 'things' pleasant around you when you have God within you. Surely He is enough to content any soul. 
If He is not enough here, how will it be in the future life when we have only Him Himself?"
-Hannah Whitall Smith

Anthem Lights - "Can't Get Over You" Acoustic Performance